My WOIC.

I just heard that flossing your teeth reduces your risk of heart disease.

Think about that.

Holy shit. FLOSSING YOUR TEETH REDUCES YOUR RISK OF HEART DISEASE.

When did this happen? It kind of sounded like a joke to me... but I looked it up. It's true.

I'm not writing about this to raise awareness... (Although, now you know!) I'm writing about this because it's the first data point on my newly-minted WHEEL OF INEXPLICABLE CONNECTIONS. I just made that up, but I think I might start using it... the WOIC.

IF flossing your teeth can lower your risk of heart heart disease, THEN what else is possible? I'll tell you what. The possibilities are endless...

What if schtooping reduces your risk of being hit by a train?

What if picking your nose increases your accuracy at skeet shooting?

What if chewing gum makes you walk straighter?

What if firing your drummer makes you a better singer?

What if masturbating makes you smarter? (Score!)

What if hopping on your left foot inoculates you against lung cancer?

What if masturbating makes you smarter? (Did I already say that?)

Look... you get my point. I'm just saying that it's a crazy, whacky world. And we don't know what we don't know. And there's a whole lot we don't know... a lot more than what we know we don't know. You know?

For all we know, wearing thong underwear prevents STDs...
.
.
.
.
.
.
Prolly not.

But let this thing we call a "blog" put you on notice, dear human. You have been forewarned. Be on the lookout for those strange connections... and email them to me at letters@johncommon.com. I promise to add them to my WOIC.

One day, when you least expect it, I'll show you my WOIC.

It'll be great.

People who vote are hot. And smart.

Hi!

It would break my heart if you missed out on the coming presidential election... Studies have shown that VOTING actually reduces body fat, tightens and tones, improves circulation and makes you look hot and smart. Seriously, it's incredibly important that we ALL participate -- i.e. VOTE. But, you can't vote if you don't register and the deadline for registering is super soon. So...

Visit this link to A) register to vote for the first time (Yay!), or B) make sure you're registered to vote at your current address (Yay!). It only takes 3 minutes -- silly easy:

https://www.voteforchange.com/index_obama.php?source=091008emailR

(Be patient with the site -- lots of people are registering!)

When you're done, please forward this same link to all of your friends and family. They'll appreciate it and think you're smart and hot for doing it.

~John

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity.
The fears are paper tigers.
You can do anything you decide to do.
You can act to change and control your life;
and the procedure, the process is its own reward.

~Amelia Earhart

A Facebook Conversation About Christianity

I ended up on an friend's Facebook page, kind of wasting time and browsing when I saw something she wrote entitled "Are you sure you're a Christian?". I clicked it and uncharacteristically made a comment.

===========================
Julie wrote
Are you sure you're a Christian?
Today at 4:02pm
I recently had a conversation with a guy who said that he was a Christian. He went on to say that he believes in reincarnation, karma, and that after our souls "grow up," they go to become a part of God. I asked him if he had ever studied Buddhism, and he said he had not. I asked him if he knew that most Christians don't believe in those things, he said that there was "some priest in some ecumenical council who had the power to change the religion." I asked him if he really thought of himself as a Christian, and he said he did, but that he thought that Jesus, Buddha and Allah are all one and the same. I asked how one should made the distinction between right and wrong, and he said that you have to use your heart and not your brain. I asked if he thought it was wrong to use your brain, and he said it was not. I was confused.

Clearly, everyone is different, and some value certain things more than others. This guy admittedly hadn't spent time studying any religion or philosophy because he didn't see the faults in his personal philosphy. I couldn't help but think about the verse in 1 Corinthians: "For God is not a God of disorder but of peace." While there are some elements of mystery in Christianity, the core of it is (thankfully) simple and not a mind-numbing puzzle.

Still, I thought it was so amazing that he defended his title of "Christian" although he didn't have any orthodox Christian beliefs!

===========================
Mikael wrote
at 4:41pm
'Cultural Christians' are prevalent in our society. I am reminded of a sermon I heard long ago in Yakima (WA) Presbyterian Church entitled: "God Has No Grandchildren".

The theme of the sermon was that Christianity is based upon there being a rift between God and Mankind due to our inherent tendency to "miss the mark" and stray from the perfect Will of God.

The way that chasm is bridged is by an individual (re)establishing his or her direct relationship with God through prayer. As this bridge was (re)built from God's side rather than ours, the bridge back to God has been by his plan rather than any construct of our own.

Thus, the path to a restored parent/child relationship with God is the only one available to us - not as a 'grandchild' getting the relationship from parents or friends.

I John 4:9: "In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him."

It is my understanding that although there are many roads that lead to Jesus Christ, Jesus claims for himself to be the only road to God:

John 14:1 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God ; trust also in me.

John 14:2 In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you.

John 14:3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.

John 14:4 You know the way to the place where I am going."

John 14:5 Thomas said to him, "Lord, we don't know where you are going, so how can we know the way?"

John 14:6 Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

What is most beautiful to me is that God has done everything possible to restore this relationship but has not taken away our free will to wander or return.

But Jesus makes clear that once He is found by us, being in relationship to Him is the only perfect solution for us.


===========================
John Common wrote
at 10:03pm
This is probably an inappropriate reply to this string. I hope I'm not viewed as being disrespectful-because I would NEVER disrespect someone's religious or philosophical views -- especially ones that are the result of study and thoughtfulness and earnest emotions. That said...

"Christianity is based upon there being a rift between God and Mankind due to our inherent tendency to "miss the mark" and stray from the perfect Will of God."

THAT is my central problem with Christianity. That is where Christianity has always rung kind of false to me, personally. (This is coming from a person who tried to believe and obey, by the way -- years and years of trying.) The first "given" in Christianity's argument is: "You are flawed, lost, doomed, predisposed to evil and eternally screwed without Me. Hope you liked the apple. Enjoy the rest of the movie."

I don't buy it. And in my more cynical moments, when I think a large percentage of religion is just a way of trading people's fear (of dying/loneliness) and/or hope ( that "this" isn't all there is) for their compliance, that central, first "given" makes me want to check my wallet -- like I'm being taken.

The Daddy-In-The-Sky metaphor just doesn't resonate. What if this really IS all there is? Is that really so bad? What if we are supposed to be focusing on THIS life. What if this life isn't the appetizer-but the main course? I feel pretty good about that. It definitely sweetens things. And when those existential terrors hit... well, I just ride it out... talk to a friend... calm myself down a bit and realize that there's a lot out there that I don't know. And in the meantime, I need to work my practices-those things that "work for me" at making me feel connected, alive, useful, loving, kind.

Don't get me wrong. I'm glad there is Christianity, most of the time. I'm just dealing with my fear and/or hope differently.

Hope I didn't come off as acidic! I'm really not! I appreciate the conversation.

The Lyrics vs. Music Question

A friend recently asked, "Which comes first the lyrics or the music". It's a question you hear a lot. It's kind of like asking a photographer, "Which comes first, the lens or the camera body?" Or asking a painter, "Which comes first, yellow or blue?"

Not to make light of the question -- at all. I think, from the outside, songwriting is an interesting and semi-mysterious thing. (It's even more of a mystery from the inside.) So I get that we try to understand it in a linear way. Like explaining how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. But the truth is, it's a lot more layered and complicated and circular and simple and unconscious than that. At least it is for me. I think Elvis Costello said, ""Writing about music is like dancing about architecture - it's a really stupid thing to want to do." I agree, mostly. (I think he was talking about music criticism, mainly here... in which case I emphatically agree.)

I've been writing songs for a long time... and I honestly don't understand it much better than the day I started. I understand a handful of things better (what they call "the craft of songwriting") but not many things. But they're the kind of pedestrian things I imagine a carpenter would pick up after building chairs and tables for years with his uncle out in the garage... "Don't hold the router that way. You'll cut your thumb off." "That glue won't hold. Use a dovetail joint instead." "Change the angle just a little and it'll be a lot more comfortable." "You should have sanded more." "That isn't classic, it's just boring."

I could write that stuff down (the songwriting stuff), but it would probably seem obvious and small-minded and hardly soaring... so I'll spare us both. Besides, I'm sure smarter guys than me have already written it and you can find 47 books on songwriting. I've looked at a couple of them -- I think they're mostly a) insultingly boring and b) filled with stock advice for writing boring songs.

The real question is, "How do you capture that thing that makes a song worth listening to over and over and over again?" How do you create something that isn't dependent on having the right band or a great audience or the perfect guitar tones or an inspired moment? How do you write a timeless song?

Dunno.

I don't have an answer... I only really have a few suggestions (for myself, mainly): 1) keep writing, 2) try not to lie to yourself, 3) treat your weird ideas with more respect than you think they deserve.

=============

Oh, and to answer The Lyrics vs. Music Question, here is my typical songwriting process:

1) stuff happens i.e. life
2) think about some of it
3) mix it with coffee
4) some random idea or feeling or phrase usually hits
5) sit in front of a blank piece of paper with a blank guitar or a blank piano
6) lyrusicmusiclyricsmusiclyricsmysiclyrics... one informs and guides the other.
7) fall in love with the song because it's new, not because it's necessarily good
8) go to sleep
9) wake up with the song, feel ambivalent about it, try to make it better.
10) throw the song into the deep end with all the other songs and let it either drown or fight its way onto set lists and maybe even a new record
11) see a shiny object off in the distance and run in that general direction

New song - in my neighborhood

in my neighborhood
sep 7, 2008
copyright john common music

mary loved tony for 70 years
on the day that he died, no tears
he saw it comin', she saw it too
when it hurts that bad, cryin' won’t help you

in my neighborhood
in my neighborhood

michael and michelle were always in a fight
I could hear them yellin' through the window every night
but michael found a job and they bought a little house
nobody was fightin' on the day they moved out

in my neighborhood
in my neighborhood


mister ramirez lives across the street
works three jobs to make his ends meet
says he's got a dream to buy his own place
I bet he's gonna do it, I can see it on his face

ramon and his family live across the street
he cooks at three restaurants to make ends meet
says he always dreamed of runnin' his own place
I bet he's gonna do it, I can see it on his face

in my neighborhood
in my neighborhood

pretty blonde lady about fourty-four
decided that she could not wait any more
her new dream man isn't tall, dark or handsome
but she knows when she needs him, he's gonna answer

in my neighborhood
in my neighborhood

me on my porch, dreamin' up songs
smoking, drinkin' coffee all day long
everybody wonders can he get a real job
maybe I will, when I finish this song

in my neighborhood
in my neighborhood
in my neighborhood
in my neighborhood

=========================

Here's the requisite rough-sounding laptop demo:

Open A Window And Let It Out

I was having one of those conversations that you just sort of end up having with band members after rehearsal. You know the kind... Grinding through a couple of hours of new songs just sort of loosens a person up. For some reason, the topic of flatulence arose... she shocked and amazed me with her views on the topic. Thankfully, we were near my laptop, so I secretly recorded it.

Think of this as a public service announcement from Jess.

New song -- figure it out

figure it out
written by john common and jess de nicola

you're my favorite
in the whole wide world
if I could keep you
I'd be your best girl
I tried to out run it
but it ran me down
I didn't believe you
but you stuck around

you're my favorite
in this whole damn bar
I could find you
no matter where you were
we get scared, scared
whenever we fight
we could call it
but that wouldn't be right

show me how
I need your help
nobody else
could figure me out
ready now
I've got no doubt
making space
we'll figure it out

short instrumental

you're my favorite
when everything's been said
turn the light out
let's go to bed
in the morning
it's gonna be the same
it's so easy
when you call my name

CH X 2

Music and Musicians.

Music:
Listening -- really listening to it -- is undervalued. Making it is over-rated.

Musicians:
Musicians tend to be self-absorbed, egocentric, one-dimensional, social climbers with overblown senses of their importance.

Hi. I am a musician.

New song...

wide open world
copyright 2008 john common music

when you were a baby
you knew what you wanted
you kept it real simple
didn't you?

now your life is a puzzle
you keep digging the tunnel
head down in the funnel
of wandering

wide open world
it's a wide open world
world

liars love leavers
and losers leave lovers
we hurt one another
without meaning to

sad situation…
blissful rejection…
set free on an ocean
of missing you

wide open world
it's a wide open world
wide open world
it's a wide open world
wide open world
it's a wide open world
world

everyone needs everyone
everyone needs everyone in this
everyone needs everyone
everyone needs everyone in this
in this wide open world

Whisper.

Whisper has a silent "h".

Just saying... I think that's perfect.

Favorite Late Night, Post-Gig Binge Fare

Me: a bag of cool ranch doritos, a six pack of those donuts with the coconut flakes, and a pint of ice cold 2% milk.

Nothing tastes like joy-turning-to-deep-regret like cool ranch coconut donut milk sloshing around in your belly with about 5 or 6 Jamesons and one plastic cupful of PBR.

THIS kind of post-gig binging is why reunion bands are almost always really fucking fat. They spent their youths drinking, playing and binging inside 7-11s.

And you? Go...

You Got The Lonely - new song

you got the lonely
copyright john common music

when I first met you
and got to know you
I saw the storry in your eyes
you let me see you
to really see you
and babe it came as no surprise

you got the lonely
you've got it good
you tried to outrun it
you thought that you could
but it's in your nature
deep down in the wood
you got the lonely
you've got it good

we make it hard
we like to stumble
'cause falling gives us scars
every scar a letter
one more letter
and all those letters make up the words

CH

you walk away
and you don't know why
bridges burning…

solo

I heard the phone ring
and some how I knew
you were calling from far, far away
you found the bottom
you got your answer
and you needed to hear me say

we got the lonely
we've got it good
we try to outrun it
we think that you could
but it's in our nature
deep down in the wood
we got the lonely
we've got it good
you got the lonely
I've got it too
we got the lonely
we've got it good
we got the lonely
we've got it good

Here's a rough demo:

Forget Brilliant... Go For Useful.

Let's be honest. Most records are painfully self-aware pieces of trash. They're uninspired, navel-gazing, banal, cliche-ridden, ego-stroking buckets of awful offal. Yes, occasionally you run across a record that is utterly brilliant. But most sound mediocre-to-good-enough for a few days until our eye catches a shiny object across the room and -- whoosh -- there goes another disc into the wasteland of our cherished CD collections.

As for the topics covered on most records, you could throw darts at a board cut into three areas: 1) Love, 2) Allegedly Political, 3) Obtuse Journal Entry / Who The Fuck Knows, and you'd get a great guess of the average distribution of pithy subjects. (By the way, I am including myself in this unfair generalization. I have most definitely contributed my fair share to the shit heap.)

Look, I'm not just being mean-spirited here. I've been on a practicality kick lately. Think of this as an unsolicited call to action. I think we, as musicians and songwriters, can do a better job. Or, if not better job, at least a more useful one.

Does the world really need another record covering the utter sameness of your (or my) interior psychological landscape? At what point does "Universality" get trumped by "Give me something I can actually use"? I wish someone, anyone, would write and record a CD like this:

CD Title: Useful Songs For Life's Tough Times
Track 1) Whoops! You're Pregnant!
Track 2) You're Fired -- Merry Christmas
Track 3) Bad News: It's [Insert Awful Disease]
Track 4) She Doesn't Love You. She Loves Your Sister.
Track 5) I Just Puked In Your Bed -- Sorry 'Bout That.
Track 6) About That Rash...
Track 7) The Depression Test
Track 8) McCain Won. We're Moving To Europe.
Track 9) Honestly, Yes. You Are Ugly.
Track 10) First Time In Prison: A Beginner's Guide

It's time to be of direct service. Grab a hammer... Go build us a useful record.

The Best Bike Ride Of My Life

Intended time: 2 hours 15 minutes
Intended distance: 30ish miles

Actual time: 3 hours 15 minutes
Actual distance: 48 miles

I got lost.
I got some bad directions.
I got loster.
The sky turned dark as a bruise.
I got blown around by crazy wind.
I got rained on.
I wiped out out on some train tracks.
I got hailed on and utterly drenched.
I nearly got hit by several cars.
People looked at me from their porches like I was a crazy man, pedaling up their street through gales of hail and rain.

It was totally life affirming.

Naming the band.

I'm putting together a new band... that's hard, dirty work, by the way. But anyhoo, I'm thinking that it might be useful to give that collective of special, special people a name. A really good name.

Here are some for you to consider, comment upon, ridicule, edit, and otherwise heap praise upon. The band, of course, will make the final decision, pending your approval:

(p.s. some of these are JOKES designed to keep you on your TOES)

John Common and...

Blinding Flashes of Light (BFL)
The Distinguishing Characteristics
The Fakirs
The Best Ones
The Jokes Which Are Not Funny
Take Her Home
We're Gonna Break Up
We Hate Him
Leading Man
The Tater Tits
Motograss
Secret Digit
The Cavists
Hyperwhite
Magically Delicious
Team Narcissist
The Dump
Furry Feelings
A Kick In The Pants
Hipster Fister
Moustachio
The Silent K
The Derelict Savants
The Long Shots

Why Dance Music Is Smart

I got into an arguement with my friend Robby about something I said in my last blog thingy about why I don't dance. (I think I said dance music sucked.) She went on and on, basically defending dance music. I tuned most of it out, actually.

But as she was talking, it occurred to me that what dance music has going for it -- even the worst dance music -- is its ever-present beat (turned way, way, way up in the mix). EVERY dance song does that one thing, consistently. It's reliable. You can count on it. It never forgets its central mission: ass shaking.

Even if a dance song utterly fails in every other aspect of music -- originality, lyric, melody, instrumentation, arrangement -- it never forgets why it came here. If you saw it on break in the employee lounge, here's what it would say: "I might suck, but you can still dance to me. I know my job, pal. Hey, you gonna eat that?"

It didn't even get clever with its name. It's called "dance music", just in case you forget what you're supposed to do when you hear it. (I know the bike messenger class likes to call it "electronica" or "electro", but that's just a transparent attempt at trying to dress up a pig with elitist rhetoric, now isn't it? Like calling Miller "The Champagne of Beers". Not buyin' it.)

So while Robby kept trying to get me to take dance music seriously, I started thinking about other genres... Maybe they should take a hint from dance music and figure out their critical purpose, their raison d'etre, and then focus like a Republican attack ad until they build a subculture around it that people can count on. And hate.

Here are some suggestions, for discussion purposes only:

COUNTRY MUSIC
Country music could be renamed "Welding music". It could even include instructions for how to weld, mixed REALLY LOUD up front next to Kenny Chesney's, um, vocal... TIG, MIG, Fluxed-Core, Gas Tungsten, Arc Welding. There's a lot to learn. Then, when we heard Welding Music, we could say, "It sure does suck, but at least I'm learning to weld!"

FOLK MUSIC
Folk music could be renamed "Bicycle repair music"... You'd hear people in coffee shops saying, "Jesus, that folk singer is one whiny bitch, but at least I learned how to lube my chain."

INDIE ROCK
Indie Rock (huh?) would probably need to be renamed "Self-esteem booster music"... Folks would put down their PBR and say, "I totally have a fucking head-ache, but I'm pretty sure that I'm cooler than you!" (Wait a minute... they already do that, right?)

JAZZ
Jazz could be renamed... actually, I think it should still be named Jazz.

But you get my point, no? There are so many mission-less genres. They're waiting for a little leadership... a little direction. Can you give it to them? Will you give it to them?

We're waiting.

New (old) song

the fall

jack was a good boy
he did what he was told
and the boy grew up
and he moved right in to that typical suburban mold

he was climbing that crazy mountain
like they tell you to in the book
and he ignored the rattle
that kept getting louder with every step he took

they told him to stand tall
and then they told him to crawl
just don't buck the system boy
or you'll bleed
now he's so scared of falling
he doesn't know it's the fall he needs

jack's mind is getting crowded
and his face is getting lined
and the voices he heard
that he thought were absurd are making more sense every time

one gray and rainy morning
while climbing the mountain side
jacky boy snapped
he skipped the trap, he let go and fell for the first time

they told him to stand tall
and then they told him to crawl
just don't buck the system boy
or you'll bleed
now he's smiling and falling
it's the fall he knew he needed

instrumental

the gray hairs are comin'
and a hole filled with lye
but no box could hold
jack's pearly white soul when he falls for the very last time…

they told him to stand tall
and then they told him to crawl
just don't buck the system boy or you'll bleed
now he's finally falling
it's the fall he knew he needed

It's hot.

BEFORE MY RUN:



AFTER MY RUN:

Triathlon Update: T Minus 25 Days

First of all, I don't think anyone reads this blog other than perhaps my father and two brothers. But I have these persistent delusions of writing grandeur, so I'm gonna pretend like my readership is both numerous and interested.

...

It's 25 days until my first Olympic distance triathlon. I've been training consistently (for the most part) for months. And I've been training, what feels like to me at least, pretty darn hard for the past several weeks... about 2 hours a day. You know... swimming, biking, running, core workouts, even some weights when I can sneak them in. (This commitment, by the way, is nothing but a warm up to real triathletes.) You may recall from my previous triathlon update, I have been experiencing some amount of angst about my upcoming race. I think the term I used was "suffer fest".

However, all of this effort from yours truly has led to a significant reduction in my terror threat level. If I may borrow from our government's simplistic terror advisory system:



I am proud to announce that my triathlon terror level has been reduced from SEVERE (red: a severe risk of an embarrassing flame out) to HIGH (orange: a high risk of an embarrassing flame out).

Further, I am ready to cautiously predict that by race day, August 16th, my terror level will be reduced to ELEVATED (yellow: an elevated risk of an embarrassing flame out). This will only hold true if I keep my sweaty nose to the workout grindstone.

However, please keep in mind that at any point situations may change on the ground and/or in the air that may call for a rapid increase in the threat level. We'll just have to stay vigilant, keep our eyes open, and put our faith in our higher power.

In the meantime, I'd like to make a time prediction. This is usually a bad idea... predicting one's race time -- throwing down the gauntlet with such precision. But here goes:

1500 meter swim: 42 minutes
transition one: 4 minutes
24.8 mile bike: 1 hour, 32 minutes
transition two: 4 minutes (predicting a port-o-let stop to pee right about here)
6.2 mile run: 1 hour, 23 minutes

Total time: an underwhelming 3 hours, 45 minutes

There you have it. Place your bets. I'm tired... I'm gonna hit the rack now.

7 Reasons Why I Don't Dance (But You Should)

This is my Personal Anti-Dancing Manifesto (PADM). It is a point-by-point, painfully honest examination of my dancing disability. My hope is to lay bare the ugly truth of this disability and in doing so, motivate you, the Reader, to dance in my place.

Some people dance. They dance freely. The Dance flows loosely from them like the languid unrolling of a sheet. They look beautiful in their ease. They inhabit their own rhythm, smiling, and meaning it. They look like an uncaged bird, free at last. They actually enjoy being looked at. Look at them now: see how they revel in their comfortable power? I don’t begrudge them their dancing… Hell, I’d do the same thing -- if I could.

I’d dance your damn face off...

If I could dance.

One problem: I can not dance. Let me restate this with the proper emphasis: I CAN NOT and SHALL NOT dance. I WILT NOT dance. I DANCE NOT. Are you catching my Old Testament drift, Pilgrim?

God skipped my bedroom the night he was giving away dancing powers. Do I hold a grudge against my higher power for this malfeasance? You bet your ass. Does my utter lack of dancing powers make me feel morose, “lesser than”, down in the mouth and otherwise pissed? The answer is YES.

And now, the requisite Chuck Bukowski quote:
“I never cry, baby… … Of course I do.” – Charles Bukowski

But enough of my weeping. At some point, the dance-challenged boy grows into a dance-embittered man. And that man writes his personal anti-dancing manifesto:

Reason #1 Why I Don’t Dance (But You Should)
I can play guitar. I can sing. That would seem to indicate that I have rhythm. WRONG-O, sugar. Evidently, all sense of rhythm runs screaming from my body like a scalded dog the moment I get near a dance floor. Can words describe my freakish movements? I doubt it. But I’ll try:

Ever go to the grocery store and get that cart with the one bad wheel? That’s how I dance. No… that isn’t quite right.

Imagine someone accidentally falling out of a 31st story window, stabbing themselves repeatedly on the way down. No… that isn’t quite right.

Rapid onset cerebral palsy meets a drunk trombone player on roller skates. No… that doesn’t really capture the horror of my dancing either. Some things can’t be explained in words, people. But trust me, it aint pretty.

Reason #2 Why I Don’t Dance (But You Should)
A girl once told me, “I can tell how a man would be in bed by how he dances.”

[Pause for devastating effect.]

Sweet Jesus... You mean to tell me that when someone dances, they’re being evaluated not only on their dancing, but for their fitness as a sexual companion too? This was like hearing I had a terminal, flesh-eating disease.

If this is true, then I make love like a cornered chimpanzee with a permanent fight-or-flight grimace on his face. This means that I screw like a bike wreck. That girl’s innocent comment about how dancing was a surrogate for sexual ability permanently welded my dancing doors shut.

Reason #3 Why I Don’t Dance (But You Should)
Look, I don’t want to play the race card. But White Man’s Overbite (WMO) is alive and real. Scientists are researching the roots of this devastating condition. The Nurture Camp says we learn WMO from behavioral models and situations early in our childhood. The Nature Camp says the dark source of WMO is locked deep inside our genetic code. I choose Aristotle’s golden mean and say it’s both.

Regardless of WMO’s origin, the dance floors of the world are a cold place indeed for WMO sufferers such as myself. For all the progress we’ve made in the area of civil rights, it is an indisputable fact that people with WMO are constantly told to sit in the back of the dancing bus. And I just don’t have what it takes to be a Rosa Parks of the shuttered dancing class. I’m just not that strong.

Reason #4 Why I Don’t Dance (But You Should)
Let’s be honest. Dance music sucks. I mean… I’m not an aficionado of dance music (obviously), but every single time I’ve ever been dragged into a club I’ve been assaulted with that old familiar whump-whump pumping away at some ass shaking BPM. Oh I know… there are endless subtle, nuanced variations of this thing we call “electronic music”. To wit:

Ambient house
Ambient industrial
Ambient techno
Black ambient
Dark ambient
Drone music
Illbient
Lowercase
Psybient
Baltimore Club
Big beat
Broken beat
Chemical breaks
Florida breaks
Nu skool breaks
Progressive breaks
Cosmic disco
Dance-punk
Eurodance
Euro disco
Hi-NRG
Italo dance
Italo disco
Spacesynth
Synthpop
Acid jazz
Balearic Beat
Chill out
Minimal Electronica
Glitch
Nu jazz
Trip hop (aka The Bristol Sound)
Berlin School
Electroacoustic
Dirty electronic
Electro backbeat (aka anthem breaks)
Electroclash
Electropop
Freestyle music
Bitpop
Chiptune
Downtempo
Folktronica
Futurepop
Glitch
IDM
Nu Jazz
Synthpop
Synthpunk
Trip hop
Speed garage
2-step
4x4
Breakstep (aka Breakbeat garage)
Dubstep
Grime (aka Sublow/8-bar/Eskibeat)
Bassline (aka 'Niche')
Funky
4-beat
Bouncy techno
Breakbeat Hardcore
Breakcore
Darkcore
Digital hardcore
Doomcore
Freeform hardcore
Gabber
Happy hardcore
Hardstyle
Jumpstyle
Makina
Noisecore
Speedcore
UK Hardcore
Acid house
Bubblegum dance
Chicago house
Dark house
Deep house
Disco house
Electro house
French house
Freestyle house
(US) Garage
Ghetto house
Grind house
Hi-NRG
UK Hard house
Hip house
Italo house
Jumpstyle (Chicago hard house)
Kwaito
Latin house
Merenhouse
Minimal house/Microhouse
Pumpin' house
Progressive house
Skacid
Tribal house
Tech house
Martial music
Neofolk
Post-Industrial
Electronic body music
Coldwave
Dark electro
Futurepop
Noise music
Power noise
Technoid
Clownstep
Darkstep
Drumfunk
Futurestep
Hardstep
Intelligent drum and bass
Jump-Up
Liquid funk
Neurofunk
Ragga jungle
Raggacore
Sambass
Techstep
Trancestep (aka Electrostep)
Acid techno
BrainDance
Detroit techno
Freetekno
Ghettotech
IDM
Jtek
Minimal techno
New beat
Nortec
Rave music
Schranz
Wonky techno
Acid trance
Ambient trance
Classic trance
Dream trance
Euro-trance
Hard trance
Hardstyle
Nu-NRG
Progressive trance
Psychedelic trance/Goa trance
Full on
Goa trance
Dark psytrance
Nitzhonot
Progressive psytrance
Psybient
Psybreaks
South African psytrance
Suomisaundi
Tech trance
Uplifting trance/Epic trance
Vocal trance
Space music
New Age music
Ethnic electronica
New Wave music
New Romantic
Dark Wave
Ethereal Wave

To me, this dizzying list just proves that there are 166 ways to say “I suck”. My point: dance music doesn’t inspire me to do anything other than leave the area.

[By the way, If I ever were to dance, it would be to Tom Waits’ song, “Cold Water”. I would stomp, drunkenly, as if I had a peg leg, in the center of the dance floor and not give a god damn who was watchin’.]

Reason #5 Why I Don’t Dance (But You Should)
I think of dancing as a series of seamlessly interconnected “moves”. Kind of like chords in a song. Well… if my dancing was a song, it would be 4 minutes of someone playing a G chord on an out of tune guitar. Or put another way, I dance like a bad open mic night.

Reason #6 Why I Don’t Dance (But You Should)
I have tried dancing once in my life. It was a long time ago. Wanna know what I learned? I learned that I think entirely too damn much to dance. My internal monologue rivaled a champion chess player evaluating his next move. I nearly overheated my cranium wondering “WHAT THE FUCK AM I GONNA DO NEXT?” I ran out of moves after 9 seconds, after which I grinned and randomly gyrated like a retard in front of that poor, poor girl.

Reason #7 Why I Don’t Dance (But You Should)
Okay. Here’s an admission: I secretly believe that I am the world’s best dancer. But only if the song is 9 seconds in length. If songs lasted 9 seconds, I would be a frickin’ solid gold dancer. I can bust a mutha-humpin’ MOVE for 9 seconds. (Ahem... is dancing really like sex? Dammit!) I look guh-ood for that first 9 seconds. But then, my mind kicks into gear. I begin thinking… and I run out of moves. Yes. I just said “moves”. That’s another problem… See Reason # 5.

Why You Should Dance In My Place
The denouement of this unpleasant dance confession, of course, is that you, Dear Reader, have to dance in my place. There are John-shaped spaces on dance floors across America tonight. Lonely, sad, empty spaces on the dance floor, waiting to be filled with your gorgeous self. I need you to dance for me. It’s your civic duty. And when you are out there, letting yourself go, shake it, just once, for me.

Besides, we all wanna see what you’d be like in bed. I bet you’re a natural.