I got a very short haircut a week or so ago. And then decided to grow a beard.
I *thought* these two things were unrelated... But then it dawned on me... "Hey John, this is John. Perhaps those two things are very related."
And so, I began work on something I will tentatively name my "Global Equivalence of Hair Theory". (GEoHT) Every man hopes to find his one, true, single purpose in life. His 'masterwork'. Perhaps this is mine.
It goes something like this:
The total global amount of hair on the planet, proportionate with the population, at any one time is a constant and must remain constant. This means that when one person gets a haircut, another must grow a beard. When one girl gets a Brazilian, another man must not shave his back. When one indie hipster grows an ironic mustache, another will drunkenly shave off their eyebrows.
Etc.
Dude, you're just another pawn in the global hair game. Sorry 'bout that.
What's truly interesting about this is... by what mechanism are we humans moved by the "invisible hand of hair equivalence" to grow or remove our hair in order to nudge the planet back into hair balance. Is it electro-chemical? Pheromonal? Psychosexual? Metaphysical? Is it just the internet?
Much research is required.
Please share your thoughts, below, with your comments.
Oh... and if you, for some insane reason, think my theory is "hairbrained"... How could you possibly prove me wrong??!!!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
6 comments:
Hmm. I think somewhere, some man must have gone entirely bald and had a beard-brazilian because my husband is turning into Jeremiah Johnson...
This explains everything. I wanted to get a haircut this week and couldn't get an appointment. Whoever my hair equivalent is (are we paired?), beat me to it! Cut theirs instead and now I have to wait until they are ready for me to re-enter the equation. Or another match has to be found. Damn. I was really looking forward to it, too.
PS TRON guy can have my bike helmet. Apparently they are of the same fashion.
I would like to call your attention to the Manchurian queue or pigtail, seen in lots of kung-fu movies set during the Qing Dynasty (1644-1911). The front of the head was shaved, while the back was all grown out and then braided -- it was a symbol of subjugation that the Manchu used upon the rest of China.
It is an ironic historical fact that the world's largest country (by population) was ruled by mullets. It is perhaps even more significant that when in power, mullets forced everyone else to adopt their haircut. The long braid in the back looks like a horse tail and was a symbol of the horse, whose speed, endurance, etc. made the conquest possible.
During that same time period, I think it must be safe to say that, in accordance with J.C.'s theory, another empire must have been subsequently obsessed with long bangs to offset these Manchurian manes. In the middle, there most likely were the Hassids to balance it all out.
I think I'm going to dye my hair plaid to level out the Clinton effect (Bill, Hillary, Chelsea & George).
Sounds like a rehashing of the old "matter cannot be created nor destroyed" theory. Since I'm bald, does that mean my hair is somewhere else, perhaps in Osama Bin Laden's beard? Or now growing in John's beard? I want it back!
What's a Brazilian? Bald guys don't keep up with the latest hairstyles.
Here's an alternate theory that I prefer: God only created a few perfect heads. The rest he covered with hair. :-)
i like 'the dude's' theory on baldness... bald=sexy ;)
i can't forsee myself going bald anytime soon and i can't shave my head or even cut my hair past the mid of my back...i also have a great fascination with the Brazilian wax... as in... i want one! Now, JC's theory has begged the question in my mind...
do i just want hard wood floors b/c my curtains are so plentiful or is it something else?
is that i have enough hair dying out of my follicles that i don't want hair anywhere else on my body?
not sure... definitely intriguing.
can't wait for the waxin' ;)
my roommate just grew a beard, THEN shaved his head, two days after. I am starting to believe you.
Post a Comment