I was thinking... maybe I should quit music and become a greeting card writer. The pay's probably about the same... but there'd be less hauling of gear.
Here are some card messages I wrote this morning:
ROMANCE:
If I could shrink you and put you in a locket and put that locket around the neck of an owl and set that owl free in an ancient forest filled with owl-worshiping pygmies, I'd do that.
Sometimes, you make me want to stab you in the neck with a fork. But then you do something cute like try to secretly pick your nose and it makes me love you again. We're good for each other.
Sorry for looking at that hot girl at the coffee shop. I didn't think you saw me. Love ya when you're mad?
Couples always make up cute names for each other like 'Kitten' or 'Sweetie' or 'Big Daddy'. Let's not do that.
In the morning, I try and wake up before you because I like to watch you sleep. Mostly, because you drool. And I laugh at you. Right there, drooling in your sleep.
"I love you" doesn't really cut it some days. Some days you have to say, "Thanks for putting up with my meth habit".
I'd shave my head and learn Chinese for you.
(Honestly, I'm hoping you won't call my bluff on that, as I'm pretty bad with languages and a little vain.)
FRIENDSHIP:
If we were stranded in a sinking boat in the middle of the Caspian Sea and a huge stork swooped down to save us and that stork said "I can only take one of you..." Well, let's hope that doesn't happen. But I really do like you.
I believe, in a former life, you and I worked in the same sweater factory somewhere in Malaysia. We shared smoke breaks and talked about the communists together. Good times.
I believe that in a former life, you and I shared a stable. We were horses on a farm together... You, a proud Andalusian... Me, a common quarter horse with a bum leg. You were kind to me back then too. Thanks for the hay.
Friendship means so many things to different people… trust, loyalty, understanding. Or, in our case, a clean pair of pants and a place to sleep it off.
You've been forgetting a lot of things lately. One example: my birthday.
I love how your glass is always half full... of shit.
Wanna know how I know we're best friends? 'Cause you forgave me for sleeping with your wife. Wait. Didn't she tell you?
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Hi. I use this blog mostly to figure things out...
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Keep the pin in the grenade,
John
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9 comments:
oh wow. This is a good one. (the birthday one definitely my favorite!) Ok, so, again, I simply must play, too. Here goes:
I can always tell its me you have eyes for. Even when you use your lazy one. Love you!
You're cute even when you have crusty eye boogers and greasy matted hair. Get well soon.
Now one thought that you'd ever pass your GED and yet you did. You surprised us yet again. Congratulations!
I'm sorry that your unborn child is the product of a drunken night out at the bars, but we will all love him/her just the same. Congratulations!
Hey I'm sorry that I slept with your boyfriend and accidentally gave him the clap. Still friends, right?
Oh my, this is addictive. Better stop now. Nice one, John. Way to get those creative juices flowing.
Your REALLY good at that. There's a girl in Portland who goes around bar to bar selling her handmade ones. My favorite was:
I'm sorry I stole your bike. But I was drunk and had to get away from you.
Ah, still laughing about it.
I like your one about pet names, the mother one, the sinking boat, and the birthday. Okay, they're all good.
(The Chinese one was a strange synchronicity, by the way.)
Um... I think you're a really awesome musician.
[This response is a noise that can't be translated into typed words. It was a good one.]
Hilarious.
You may have to quit music and form an upstart greeting card company.
:)
p.s. I swear that you channeled the spirit of "Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy".
Our deepest condolences. About time you pulled the plug.
Congratulations on your promotion - enjoy it before they find out how grossly incompetent you are.
Life is like a box of wine. You know pretty much exactly what you're going to get, and it ain't all that great.
Best of luck with your perp walk.
Congratulations on the successful completion of your starter marriage.
You're about as useful as the clean guy with the clipboard at the construction site.
I want for us to be close again. Oh, wait, different us.
Season's Greetings from that one vendor who was too cheap to send a tin of cookies.
Look at the bright side - now there's nothing left to hit the fan! Get well soon.
Happy third anniversary of living with, but not proposing to, my daughter.
Let's broker a startfire.
Your dog dropped these on our yard, and we thought you might be missing them.
Like old transmission fluid, you're the only thing holding the family together.
Your rejoinder was perfect and effectively changed my mind, putting our disagreement to rest. Well done.
Greg and Rhonda would like to invite you share in their wedding day, even though there's no chance you will come and they didn't budget you into the catering. They're registered at Pottery Barn.
When I become evil overlord of the galaxy, you will be spared the reckoning.
Dogs poop. I'm sorry you had to find out this way.
Sorry about the wars.
On this most momentous occasion, I could not be bothered to write a single personal thought on paper.
Thank you for looking after the cult while I worked on my memoirs.
They tease you because they like you. And because you look silly.
I love all of these!
I love all of these!
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