The Middle

The Middle

I still sleep on the left side of the bed.
Like I’m waiting for you to slip in beside me.
We both know that isn’t going to happen.
I wonder if you see me-shaped holes everywhere.
I should move over to the middle.

Inheritance

Inheritance

I just stood in the spitting rain
Grinding autumn leaves
With my creased leather boot
While they buried my father
Beside a damp wood.
Funerals make you think.

Earlier, they tried to give me his chair,
A scratched watch, some letters,
Old photographs, a blue robe,
Dog-eared books, a record player...
Remnants of his unvarnished life.
I told them, “Give it away.”

Besides, I carry his mark:
I leave parties suddenly.
I’m good at making bread.
I smile like a wolf.
I constantly need to be alone.
Children trust me.

We're bound together, he and I.
But when they lowered the box into the ground
Something broke loose.
I looked up, through watery shrouds of breath,
And saw something shooting away
Like a distant star,
Very alone and terribly free.

Emma

Emma

Otter tail
Monkey chest
Pancake lips
Deer butt
Pig nose
Rabbit belly
Gator chin
Velvet ears
Chaplin ‘stache
Squirrel legs
Chocolate eyes
Labrajumpaloveatfetchadorsnuggltriever.

The best part of growing a beard...

By far, the BEST part of growing a beard is getting to shave it off.

...

Incrementally.

[WARNING: THIS IS A RIDICULOUSLY NARCISSISTIC BLOG POST -- EVEN MORE THAN USUAL]


Note the huge zeeb on my right forehead...
This is the starting point: "Full Beard In Bed With Zit".
Also known as "The Myspace Pillow Shot".


Now Let The Cutting Begin! It's A Beard Harvest!

...


I call this one "Gay Civil War Era Train Engineer".
Excuse me, do you like Mutton?


So thoughtful...
"Where DO these train tracks lead anyhow?"
A coal-powered bathhouse, perhaps?



This is just straight up "Serial Killer"...



Off With the Chops! Perhaps the "Ugliest Kissey Face Possible".
Note the single eye being closed.
Does it say "I'm Quirky" or "Permanent Brain Injury"?



I dunno... The Handlebars...
They DO offer something to hold on to... visually, I mean.



Look Ma! No handlebars!
I call this one: "Scott Common Circa 1983"
Or... "The Carpet Installer"



Again, why do serial killers love mustaches so...?
"It puts the lotion in the basket, or it gets the hose again!!!!!"
And yet... It also has a certain "Porthos of The Three Musketeers" quality...



HEIL!
Alas, no beard escapade could ever be complete without a brief stop in Nazi Germany...
For the record, this is named a "Toothbrush Mustache".
Dammit! Hitler ruins EVERYTHING!



And finally we return, full circle, to where we once began...
But wiser somehow...
To that most subtle of facial hair statements: "The Soul Patch".
Otherwise known as "I'm White But At Least My Lower Lip Can Have Soul"


I hope you enjoyed this trip through the Facial Hair Forest as much as I did. Somehow though, I don't think that's possible.

Ahem.

Enough of that.

~John

Back in the (swim, bike & run) Saddle.

Well now...

I started back with triathlon training this week.

Holy shit.

I'd forgotten how big the difference between a normal workout schedule (well, my normal one) and a TRI workout schedule is... I spent the last 4 months doing 2-3 runs a week, 1-2 bikes a week and 1-2 swims a week. As of this week, I'm doing... hell, 2 workouts a day (swim, bike, run, weights or core) with Sundays off. It's not as bad as it sounds though... It's only about 1 to 1 1/2 hours a day. Even your dentist tells you to work out 30 minutes a day. So yeh... Where was I?

I can tell something has radically changed in my schedule. By 9:00PM I'm a zombie. Which is funny... because I'm not exactly a crazy party guy to begin with. I've gone from nerd to uber-nerd.

Gimme a protein milkshake dude.

In A Bookstore (Live in New Mexico)

This video was filmed on a little tour through New Mexico took during the winter of 2007. We stopped for a little golf at the Rio Grande.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=PWDebrnUR7E

I'm working on a new theory.

I got a very short haircut a week or so ago. And then decided to grow a beard.

I *thought* these two things were unrelated... But then it dawned on me... "Hey John, this is John. Perhaps those two things are very related."

And so, I began work on something I will tentatively name my "Global Equivalence of Hair Theory". (GEoHT) Every man hopes to find his one, true, single purpose in life. His 'masterwork'. Perhaps this is mine.

It goes something like this:

The total global amount of hair on the planet, proportionate with the population, at any one time is a constant and must remain constant. This means that when one person gets a haircut, another must grow a beard. When one girl gets a Brazilian, another man must not shave his back. When one indie hipster grows an ironic mustache, another will drunkenly shave off their eyebrows.

Etc.

Dude, you're just another pawn in the global hair game. Sorry 'bout that.

What's truly interesting about this is... by what mechanism are we humans moved by the "invisible hand of hair equivalence" to grow or remove our hair in order to nudge the planet back into hair balance. Is it electro-chemical? Pheromonal? Psychosexual? Metaphysical? Is it just the internet?

Much research is required.

Please share your thoughts, below, with your comments.

Oh... and if you, for some insane reason, think my theory is "hairbrained"... How could you possibly prove me wrong??!!!